Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I have noticed, although this is in by no means a conscious effort, that I have found myself, with lots of prospective bfs. Maybe it is because of my iPhone that I am now connected anywhere I go, that I can go online on romeo or grindr at whim. But yeah. I’ve found quite a few good guys this way and I’m happy about it. The other day I was in the arms of a man who was single by choice. And while hugging me, mentioned how he likes hugging me and made a joke of making me ‘his’. He also offered that I come back to his place, which I considered, given that he’d text me.

Interesting development when sometimes I’d feel that I am undesireable; someone shows up and demonstrates otherwise. But then again, usually there’s the follow-through principle to consider. There’s this guy that I met from grindr. Good-looking moreno mestizo, very hairy. And he’s the type I can talk everything about. Sometimes we talk and meet or eat. One time I invited him to workout at a local gym near where I live. He’s very smart. And together we talk about people, and how appearances can be deceiving, and our past relationships, even past mistakes. But in all this there hasn’t been one physical thing that has happened between us. Although through texts, we may joke around a bit. But one actually became real, well almost: I was out of town and replied that I would give him a ‘kabibe’ as a pasalubong since he was asking for one. And of course the silly joke of wearing just the kabibe became a staple joky retort. But then I said, “Pwede ba kiss na lang? ;)”. To which he replied, “Sige kiss ko ha.”  And I believe he has been looking forward to it. It hasn’t materialized yet but I’m wondering what will happen to what we have if  it did.

Speaking of follow-throughs, people usually give their best foot forward at the start, but to actually follow-up, and be consistent with texts, or taking some time to have lunch or dinner is a lost art. Enter, the boy.

My is he consistent. 5 years younger than me. We haven’t met yet, but he texts me oh so often. When he wakes up, lunch, dinner, when I’m on my way home from work, which he has taken note of. Oh the sincerity and naivete of the young. I’m not saying I find this bad but rather refreshing. Consistency in purpose somewhat disappears in the modern gay man as he ages. The boy has actually apologized for being ‘makulit’ – that I may have found his texting annoying. And then goes on later and says that he hopes I know its because he likes me and he’s finding a way to be ‘closer’. Cute honesty :). But I have a lot of common things with this kid, having a foreigner dad for instance who he didn’t grow up with. Maybe that’s why I kinda have a soft spot for him 🙂

There are more that I would mention. But most would fall under the prospect of sex rather than something lasting. Although, God knows I would prefer the latter. So enough blogging and  back to my life!

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New Year, New <insert here>

Posted: February 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

I sometimes wonder when the search will end. Or when it will begin, or has it begun?

Hello 2012! LOL. Hopefully the world doesn’t end as the Mayans predicted the ‘Day of Rebirth’. But if it does happen, this could just be a routine phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. Like a PC that needs a reformat when its hopelessly cluttered with unmanageable files, viruses and what-not, maybe that’s what this world needs, a new start; only, we will need to be wiped out. Too bad we’re just here to witness it all.

There’s been a lot of changes in my life and I may not be able to write all of them down (now). Well one obvious one is that I have a new job. In my last entry, I was still with my other company who in July 2011, decided to let me go, due to redundancies. This company was acquired by another company which prompted for changes in Management and structure. So I went jobless for a while and took me quite some time to apply too. I was somewhat troubled that time as well.. With the increasing demands in job skills as I’ve also gotten older, I’d constantly need to be in tip-top shape, especially in the IT world. I actually failed lots of interviews, most of them I was unprepared: I just went in without no plan and preparation at all. I didn’t expect things to be so tough now. But all of that’s over 🙂 Thank God I have a new job now. Took me 2-3 months to get here. I gotta thank my previous company for parting me with 6 months’ worth of my monthly salary, which, although diminished, I’ve got tucked safely around somewhere.

I’m also going to a different gym now (one of the two biggest gyms in the metro). My body has undergone quite a minor change although some people are taking notice… I may look a little bulkier now. Possibly because of the range of equipment that I am now capable of using. It really is nice to go to a big gym for a change. Though with that comes a lot of people. And the temptation. LOL. We all know that more than half of the guys going to the gym aren’t straight right? Oh you didn’t know? Where have you been? Kidding. But really, I’ve been getting these sticky stares at the gym from people I don’t like 😦 Why is it that the people I like are indifferent to me? Or play hard to get. Sigh. At this point, it should be clear that I am still single for heaven’s sake. And of course, I’ve had some ‘fun’ with quite a few, very few, as I would like to limit my involvement with them since gay men are talkative, and filipinos love tsismis. LOL. But I have a few crushes. One of which added me on Google+ last December, which I think he does not remember. You see? Coz that’s the thing. I look different than my pictures, better in fact.

Some people think that I am this unapproachable, good-looking guy stereotype. Which I beg to differ because I am not good-looking. But some people categorize me into that niche which makes it very difficult to socialize or make moves… That I’ve actually lost all confidence in approaching guys that I like, and now content at taking stolen glances. I’ve actually become ‘torpe’ or just tired of this. Its all got to do with psychology and the way people play other people. The concept of power in social interactions. See, if I, being seen as this high strung, unapproachable GL guy, suddenly starts to initiate a conversation, the power will shift from me to this person, simply because I am the one reaching out. This person can then play it out or drag it out for as long as he wants or until I lose interest. Right now, people would of course, if not desperately, cling to some leverage. They want to be in control. Seldom will you see a person who will meet you on equal ground, who will actually take the effort to level the playing field and let things play out naturally. I must admit I was actually hoping to meet someone nice at the gym. Wishful thinking. But I’ve only been to one branch and just 3 months, who knows?

Also I lost my phone of 5 years 2 weeks before Christmas, so I have no idea who actually remembered to greet me… It was an old Nokia phone with no back-ups… so all of my contacts are now lost in time LOL. God takes away what needs replacing right? And with that comes my iPhone 4s. Took me 3 weeks to get  though. I got it through a plan, but I considered buying one (not via plan) but thought it would be better to have some spare cash when something important comes up. And Grindr! Hahaha. THE iPhone app for us. Though nothing really is new. But what’s more funny is that people you sometimes chat with, you actually see walking by, or at the gym. Kudos to the team that made this. But again, if I am to be judged by my photos, whose subject is not able to pose properly and not photogenic altogether, the battle is lost. LOL. But who knows right? But I’ve met a few who were pleasantly surprised when they met me though 🙂 Really can’t have everything.

Dragon year! My Chinese Zodiac sign is supposed to be a little lucky this year… Maybe love would come my way via the gym, via grindr or my new job? Exciting! But with age comes getting jaded… hurry up and find me before I get lost in myself.

I’ve been waiting.

Summer Starts!

Posted: April 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yeah!

Yesterday I just came from a team outing at Club Manila East. It was really fun, letting those 7-foot artificial waves to splash you around. Now imagine a 20-foot tsunami…

Anyway, I will be in the famous beaches of Boracay on the Holy Week, along with my friends and their other social circle from Fitness First. Although I hope this adventure becomes promising (the prospected cliff-diving endeavor comes to mind…), I’m just gonna let all these stuff flow. This is my 3rd summer in Boracay and I’m not sure if I’m gonna enjoy it as much because 1. the place will feel very familiar and 2. I don’t know them(the other FF social circle) that well, although I am now a member of the group on Facebook… Apparently there IS an official group on Facebook. I haven’t been participating much in this groups gatherings that much. And I haven’t planned my wardrobe! Haha. I may need to have a mini-fashion show this coming weekend to mix and match my clothes, so that I can still buy when necessary.

My birthday is coming up! After Holy Week comes my birthday, that fateful day when all of this madness began. LOL. Some of my friends want me to celebrate it out of town, and it looks like its gonna be in Galera, the island of sin. Honestly, I haven’t been there during the height of summer, so I wouldn’t know what the place is like. Maybe it’s time I found out for myself. After all I’m still single. And since one of the guys I watched an Indie movie with (who seems like a prospect) last last weekend seems like he’s dating someone seriously… **What the hell is fucking new?** Haha. But we are texting… Although it was our first time to meet (we just got introduced), there was something, definitely a spark. Curiosity, sexual tension, or that genuine promise of a relationship from initial attraction…whatever it was, he and I both felt it. Im actually planning on inviting him to come to my birthday celebration, hope he could come. I am getting older! Damnation!

So summer is looking bright, and should be fun fun fun. After April, its gonna be serious mode, as I have gotten older, I need to re-assess my life, with particular focus on my career. I will need to step it up a little, because I may be lagging behind on my goal of earning 6 digits before I reach 30. Oh and I am actually exploring freelance options as well. Although this seems intimidating at first because this is via the web, and it definitely feels different trying to look for quick jobs with small payment. But you gotta start somewhere right? Again, baby steps. Let’s see where this will take me.

Random Thoughts (attempt 1)

Posted: March 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

I know that when you write about something, you must have some sort of a theme or topic or point to make right? Well right now, I must say I don’t have one. Its just that I have a lot of things in mind recently that maybe by writing, by seeing/reading these thoughts in front of me, I can figure out the emptiness or lack of enthusiasm(?) I’ve been feeling recently.

Yesterday, on a bus ride home I was next to a real hunky guy. He’s my type and as our forearms were touching as we stood inside the bus, he didn’t move his arm. I was able to read the text message he was sending his friend, asking where HP in Taguig was. I knew the answer and wanted to just say it out loud, but I’d have to apologize for reading his phone first. Anyways, as we got off the bus, we glanced at each other and almost walked side by side then he sped up and left LOL. Now I wonder, what if I did try and talk to him? I guess we’ll never know.

I am not doing a lot of work lately. Not because I deliberately am not working but there isn’t much to do. We get our direction from our Managers abroad and as of the moment, they haven’t assigned us to do anything. Although the roadmap says we should be doing something but we’re idle. I am the type of person who’d rather be busy in the office. I’d rather not go to work if I’m not doing anything. Also I am planning to leave this company. That will be another chapter in my life. Middle of this year I will try to look for a new job, a new start. I am just waiting for the monetary bribe my company is supposed to give me come  June. LOL. Good thing, I bumped into an old officemate of mine a few weeks ago and he said that if I wanted to apply, I can give him my resume and if I get in, we’ll split the referrer bonus he’d get 🙂 Besides being good-looking, he’s sweet and always been nice to me. Only he’s married now but he hasn’t changed… in fact he’s inviting me to go Dragonboat Rowing with him. But I also have a lot of extra-curricular activities, I’m not sure if I can fit that in yet, we’ll see.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not living up to my real potential, that is also why I’d like another company to be in. Only I cannot resign immediately as some people are accustomed to doing. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. Being the breadwinner of my family, I have to plan everything out, move cautiously, especially since I support 80% of our finances. The decisions that I make must be calculated and to the letter. Risks are risky, therefore they must be calculated as well. And a resignation is just that, a calculated risk. I see some of my friends who are (now that I think of it 3-4+ years older than me) going out of town/country often. I can’t do that, at least not with my current salary. Ever since I graduated from college I had to worry about my family’s finances. Sometimes I feel like my family is dragging me down. That if only my parents fixed their lives, had some sort of financial investment (my Mom doesn’t even have a bank account now), I’d be much freer in my actions, more spontaneous. I’d have more spending power. A more exciting life? Maybe. I may have saved a lot of money now instead of paying for our monthly apartment rent or utility bills or groceries. I’m not complaining because this is the cross I was tasked to carry but some days, it really feels like a burden. Every move I make I must consider that my family is there behind me. And its as if you can sever the ties that bind. So yeah, I’d like a better salary, which shouldn’t be too much to ask right? I just feel so tired sometimes, sad that I am in a situation that I cannot change. In a card game, you cannot ask the dealer to give you a new set of cards just because you don’t like the one you got right?

I have a new hobby. Poi. If you don’t know what it is, google it. Now am I in a bitchy mood. Kidding. Anyway, I must say am enjoying my classes and have been attending for at least 2 months now. Most people know it as fire dancing but really fire dancing is just one expression of poi. You are just changing the ‘ball in a string’ to a ‘fiery ball in a string’. I intend to be good at this because, in my mental note of things to do before I die, I wanna be able to break dance or fire dance. Well break dance… not doable. I should’ve started training for it young. So here I am with poi and loving it. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get famous and be a performer? But as with my other passion, which is fighting games, I experiment with the movement, what I can do and cannot do, what combos are possible, which to use with the better effect, on which situation etc. I find that this is almost like that too: which move connects to what move, what can you do to transition into or out of something, how do you combine what you learned with this new one, and so on. Its really opening up my brain and reflexes/coordination. You’d think that it looks easy at first but when you’re trying to do it, you’re like shiiiiiittttt…how the…? I want to get good at this!

End of Random Thoughts.

Condura Run 2011 etc.

Posted: February 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yeah!

First 10km race. And I finished real slow! Haha. Around 1hr 15mins. Which shouldn’t be that bad because I really don’t do much cardio and I’ve only been to two 5km runs. This was a whole new experience for me, and this was a freakin skyway marathon. I thought the uphill parts would be easy… Lets just say I underestimated this a bit 😛 Anyway, instead of looking for man-candy after the run, which of course there would be, I was actually sad the whole time to actually even bother. Why?

You see, I met this guy. Of course, you knew it would be about a man. But no, he’s not your ordinary man. He is the man that I would like to be my boyfriend. He is NOT the one I mentioned in my previous blog entry, but someone else I met a week ago. He’s very good-looking, a little chubby yes, but handsome. A little soft-spoken, but I don’t care. It has actually come to the point that I wanted to take care of him… Weird huh? Like, I would like to have him in my arms and hug him and say everything’s gonna be alright. Sort of like that. Yes, we’ve had sex, and he enjoyed it.  We both agreed to just have a wholesome date, but he couldn’t fight the urge. He said it was his first time to have an orgasm, being fucked, without touching his dick. Only a few days ago, Friday, after chatting on the phone the night before, he’s chosen to ignore all my calls and texts. Can you say what the fuck?

So I met him before the race yesterday. At around 5AM he was there, accompanying his friend, and as Fate would like to have it, we bumped into each other. In my bewilderment, I didn’t even know what I said to him. All I remember was that he replied, “Let’s talk later”. I might have said, “How? You are not replying to my texts…”, but I don’t clearly recall. I remember him saying something like “…when I’m no longer preoccupied”. With what? I should’ve asked. I just let him walk back to his car since he said he was gonna jog around Bonifacio High Street.

What has actually happened here? We were fine and sweet days before and then he suddenly decides to shut me out? I actually asked him if it was ok for me to text or call him often. He said that no one is texting him anyway. If so, what is the matter? He just came out of a relationship 3 months ago that has, I think, greatly affected his life. Is he afraid of me coming into the picture? Or was he busy learning their family business? Has the pressure finally gotten to him? He’s just 25 after all. But I don’t mind one text. Just one text containing a piece of his mind, of what really is the matter. Because I feel like a plastic bag floating through the wind <- (Yay! Katy Perry – Firework). Seriously, I feel really bad about this that I wanna stop seeing people for the time being. He hurt me. I should at least know why I’m hurting.

So as I ran that 10km race, my thoughts were filled with what ifs. And my phone’s message alert tone actually inspired me to keep going and finish the race; that he might have finally texted me after seeing me. But nay, much to my dismay, it wasn’t him.

The Beginning of the End

Posted: December 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

I have actually sworn not to blog anymore. In this blog at least. This may be my 2nd to the last or last blog entry. If I do blog at all, it will be on a different blog site or under a different name. Why? I will not even attempt to explain. Let’s just say that I am at a crossroads, at a point in my life where there is no turning back… Something in my life has happened… that is threatening to change the way I live my life, or what’s left of it,  forever. The kind of change is of the paradigm-altering, negative type, so I am actually surprised that I haven’t killed myself, and instead, have tried to live each day as normally as I can. The next few weeks will dictate how I will live my life, and presented with such a drastic change, I feel like I want to either hide myself in a cave and hibernate like a bear, go on a vacation, or ironically, just party. Unfortunately, I will have to go through this alone. As this overpowers any aspect of my life right now, all my life’s ‘trivialities’ have paled in comparison. Forgive me if my words seem somewhat incoherent, it just shows how rattled I am. On the outside, I may still look the same. Maybe I have mastered the art of hiding one’s emotions, a truly remarkable skill to have during these times.

Although I have been partying for almost every weekend since I came back from a 2-week stay abroad, things haven’t changed about my love life. Today, when I woke up, I almost wanted to scream at the world and declare that my heart is dead. I realized that all the guys I have an eye for, or maybe even have feelings for, are usually complicated sons of bitches. In the past 2 weeks my heart has beat 3 times: First to a guy that I now realize is an immature asshole. Second, to a cute guy that is focused on his studies and therefore has no time for love. And third, to someone I’ve had a crush on since I saw his account online, and now that I’ve met him in person, I don’t even know what to make of it. But my sixth sense is telling me that if I become his boyfriend, I will be loyal and head-over-heels in love, not that this fact is gonna bring me any closer to him though. This will again be the classic case of ‘guys I like but don’t like me’. Haha, this is so cliche in my life.

Given my situation, I should actually cease all attempts at a relationship. I’ve actually begun to think if I even deserve one. As much as I would like to commit to someone I love and care about, the universe seems averse to the idea. Which sucks. I was just wondering, why is it that now that I’ve tried to put myself out there, try to date people, that I’ve actually found it harder to get into a relationship? Three/Four years ago, I was actually content with meeting people for sex, and I found myself with a boyfriend. Oh how I would like to slap Irony in the face.

Anyway Silversplinter may cease to exist soon. I’ve always said that my life was never boring. And true enough, God may have given me the cross I asked him never to give me… to spice up my life, make it more colorful… It amazes me that He has always believed in my strength. That I, a mere human being, who makes mistakes (obviously) can get through this. Although nothing is final yet, I am preparing myself for the worst…  I will change yes, that much is certain. And it would take time to get used to this, but I promise, with all that I am that I will be strong. I will be the best person that I can be; I will be the very best friend you can always count on, I will be the most loving son, I will be the most eligible bachelor people cant get enough of. And to you, although I haven’t found you, I will be your man. I will love you like there is no tomorrow and no yesterday. All that I am, and will have become, I offer to you.

It’s You, It’s Me

Posted: September 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

So I’ve been riding the dating bandwagon lately. And besides the fact that I am currently seeing someone with relative frequency, there is no spark… no butterflies, no rainbows etc. But really, I know that I am into someone when I wake up in the morning and he’s the first thing that comes to mind or when I want to be a better person overall, when I wanna be a better man… so I guess Ill just have to wait for these to happen.. which is hopefully soon.

Anyway, last weekend I had your cliche dinner-movie date. The guy liked me enough to invite me to his place… which I politely declined. He was not my type and I did not make any remark as to this fact. I just declined his offer and said maybe next time. This guy, was a really nice guy; I felt the good in him. It was as if I had wanted to like him out of appreciation for this fact or I knew that eventually I would turn him down that I already am feeling guilty. I hated myself for being choosy because the guy liked me and I was the one that had fucked up standards.

On my way home, I felt really bad. Because I may have hurt the guy. Although I did not say anything or shown any ill feelings, there are things that hurt, even when left unsaid. I wanted to curse my own standards that prevented me from entertaining a future him. I am also now questioning the validity of the whole date concept. How successful are dates anyway? We all have our own ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ even before the date even starts. So what is the chance of anything moving forward?

Honestly, this is all getting tiringly exhausting.