Archive for March, 2011

Random Thoughts (attempt 1)

Posted: March 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

I know that when you write about something, you must have some sort of a theme or topic or point to make right? Well right now, I must say I don’t have one. Its just that I have a lot of things in mind recently that maybe by writing, by seeing/reading these thoughts in front of me, I can figure out the emptiness or lack of enthusiasm(?) I’ve been feeling recently.

Yesterday, on a bus ride home I was next to a real hunky guy. He’s my type and as our forearms were touching as we stood inside the bus, he didn’t move his arm. I was able to read the text message he was sending his friend, asking where HP in Taguig was. I knew the answer and wanted to just say it out loud, but I’d have to apologize for reading his phone first. Anyways, as we got off the bus, we glanced at each other and almost walked side by side then he sped up and left LOL. Now I wonder, what if I did try and talk to him? I guess we’ll never know.

I am not doing a lot of work lately. Not because I deliberately am not working but there isn’t much to do. We get our direction from our Managers abroad and as of the moment, they haven’t assigned us to do anything. Although the roadmap says we should be doing something but we’re idle. I am the type of person who’d rather be busy in the office. I’d rather not go to work if I’m not doing anything. Also I am planning to leave this company. That will be another chapter in my life. Middle of this year I will try to look for a new job, a new start. I am just waiting for the monetary bribe my company is supposed to give me come  June. LOL. Good thing, I bumped into an old officemate of mine a few weeks ago and he said that if I wanted to apply, I can give him my resume and if I get in, we’ll split the referrer bonus he’d get 🙂 Besides being good-looking, he’s sweet and always been nice to me. Only he’s married now but he hasn’t changed… in fact he’s inviting me to go Dragonboat Rowing with him. But I also have a lot of extra-curricular activities, I’m not sure if I can fit that in yet, we’ll see.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not living up to my real potential, that is also why I’d like another company to be in. Only I cannot resign immediately as some people are accustomed to doing. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. Being the breadwinner of my family, I have to plan everything out, move cautiously, especially since I support 80% of our finances. The decisions that I make must be calculated and to the letter. Risks are risky, therefore they must be calculated as well. And a resignation is just that, a calculated risk. I see some of my friends who are (now that I think of it 3-4+ years older than me) going out of town/country often. I can’t do that, at least not with my current salary. Ever since I graduated from college I had to worry about my family’s finances. Sometimes I feel like my family is dragging me down. That if only my parents fixed their lives, had some sort of financial investment (my Mom doesn’t even have a bank account now), I’d be much freer in my actions, more spontaneous. I’d have more spending power. A more exciting life? Maybe. I may have saved a lot of money now instead of paying for our monthly apartment rent or utility bills or groceries. I’m not complaining because this is the cross I was tasked to carry but some days, it really feels like a burden. Every move I make I must consider that my family is there behind me. And its as if you can sever the ties that bind. So yeah, I’d like a better salary, which shouldn’t be too much to ask right? I just feel so tired sometimes, sad that I am in a situation that I cannot change. In a card game, you cannot ask the dealer to give you a new set of cards just because you don’t like the one you got right?

I have a new hobby. Poi. If you don’t know what it is, google it. Now am I in a bitchy mood. Kidding. Anyway, I must say am enjoying my classes and have been attending for at least 2 months now. Most people know it as fire dancing but really fire dancing is just one expression of poi. You are just changing the ‘ball in a string’ to a ‘fiery ball in a string’. I intend to be good at this because, in my mental note of things to do before I die, I wanna be able to break dance or fire dance. Well break dance… not doable. I should’ve started training for it young. So here I am with poi and loving it. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get famous and be a performer? But as with my other passion, which is fighting games, I experiment with the movement, what I can do and cannot do, what combos are possible, which to use with the better effect, on which situation etc. I find that this is almost like that too: which move connects to what move, what can you do to transition into or out of something, how do you combine what you learned with this new one, and so on. Its really opening up my brain and reflexes/coordination. You’d think that it looks easy at first but when you’re trying to do it, you’re like shiiiiiittttt…how the…? I want to get good at this!

End of Random Thoughts.

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Sometimes in our moments of weakness, we cling to people we normally won’t.

Recently, I have had the strange pleasure of meeting up two guys (on different occasions), who at the time of  our first meeting, were attached. Now that they have broken up and severed ties with their ex-significant other, they now text me and ask to see me, hmmm.

Exhibit A: The guy from a previous blog entry. In an open relationship. Cute although chubby, hairy. Very sensitive to people’s feelings, although very straight-forward. When I met him again, we had coffee as he recounted the events that have transpired, or the jist of it, leading to their separation. I was sad for him, because they’ve been together for 7 years. They own property together and may have other significant ‘conjugal’ investments. He has always shown his liking for me; through texts, on facebook, on YM. And even in person, he would say ‘you know how much I like you right?’ But I don’t know. I do not want to jump into conclusions. Although I have mentioned before that I could date him if he were single, I may have changed my mind. I’m not sure of the reason though, but anyway I’m sure he’s not likely to get attached just yet. I gave him the advice we all usually tell people from break-ups: “Enjoy being single!” And being gay, we all know how fun being single can be 😛

Exhibit B: Like Exhibit A, we met during a tough time in their relationship. He flirted with me and was probably mad and testing the waters. We talked for more than an hour or so. I did have a crush on him, but when we parted ways and he didn’t reply when I texted, I knew better. He didn’t need me in his life, especially during a rough patch in a relationship, right? It’ll just make matters worse so I deleted his number. Three years later, he texts me. And reintroduces himself when I asked who it was and luckily, I remembered. He picked me up and well, was more aggressive than Exhibit A when it came to the meet-up’s purpose. Let’s just say we drove-in to a motel and did what we could not do 3 years ago. He however was I think 36 years old, 10 years older than me. He’s still cute, but has gained weight. And like Exhibit A, I think, I do not like him as much anymore.

So what do I make of this? Am I potential boyfriend material after all? Or do I just represent the prospect of hot sex that they haven’t had the opportunity of having?