Archive for February, 2011

There is a reason why we have our social circles. They exist because we gain something out of them: be it a feeling of belonging, of trust, of escape, of refuge. In this gay world, I basically have two; one with a friend that I’ve had for six years and the other with a friend that I have known for almost 2 years. Both groups are quite nice, in fact on the outside they may look identical, with the fact being that they consist of a friend and his partner. For the life of me, I do not know why this is so. Which is why I sometimes feel like I am destined  bodyguard to my friends’ partners. My first social circle, consists of J, and his partner plus a few. More vocal and more out. Goes to Fitness First and likes partying. My second is R and his partner plus a few. A little more reserved group, more masculine. Likes the outdoors, parties with reservation, drunkards when let loose, although more mature.

However there seems to be something amiss with the events that have transpired in the past few months. J, confided in me one day that he too wanted to have a new set of friends that he can go out with, enjoy etc., knowing that I maintain a different set of friends, specifically with R. Starting this year, J has begun to ‘get to know’ this group of people from Fitness First and has since then, been out with them for almost anything. The gym, which is a given, movies, an out of town trip, partying at BED Malate which is almost every week now… As J’s friend for almost 6 years, this behavior seems strange to me. And the fact that he ‘shouts out’ on Facebook like 3 or more times a day, only to let his new-found friends comment and comment like crazy I find absurd. I know these group of friends he’s trying to befriend. In fact they’re a good bunch. Only they aren’t in my age group, well J’s and R’s isn’t either, give or take 3-5 years. Anyway, they come from the University where I graduated in, and are very smart people. Based on intelligence and wavelength I definitely believe that I fit better in that group LOL. But there is something wrong here.

J had a rough patch with his partner last December which, also was the time he told me about having new friends. I feel, that he, misses being single and may want to find an outlet since he may not actually want to leave his partner. Coupled now with the fact that he has resigned from his job and is on ‘vacation’ for 3 months. I officially, declare him to be under a PHASE. Exploration. Reinvention. Not to mention he is turning 30 this year. So many factors involved which is why I find him acting a little different.

I was at BED this Saturday and J’s group was there along with the FF guys. I was with R’s. Although I sometimes like the spontaneity, in J’s group, I preferred to be in R’s. There are some people in the FF group that I do not really like that much.. of note would be someone who’d always like to be the center of conversation/attention. I hate stroking someone else’s ego. And it agonizes me to see someone doing it. Also with this bunch comes my crush from a previous entry, This Feeling. Him and I, although we have talked on a different occasion, found it still awkward to converse. Maybe we really don’t want to cross the line of comfort. But as the days had revealed, he may actually be attached. I’ve overheard him say that he is ‘allowed to play’, no emotions. Yet again another disappointment. This has happened a thousand times I’m already used to it.

So, J tells me they are going to BKK. I asked if they already have the tickets and he answers they have not? But already he has mentioned CebuPac’s promo which is limited right? So I said I can come because before, we had already planned to go there for summer (instead of Boracay again this year). Sans Facebook and I see that J is going with his new found friends. I should’ve read between the lines. He was telling me that THEY are going. I was not invited LOL. Which is perfectly fine with me. I could definitely put my money to better use. But as his friend, I think he is going too fast, doing so much in a short amount of time with these people, and for the sake of? Acceptance? No. Or as a welcome diversion to more pressing issues? Really, we use people for different purposes only to find it has never been them that we needed, it was we that needed fixing.

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Condura Run 2011 etc.

Posted: February 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yeah!

First 10km race. And I finished real slow! Haha. Around 1hr 15mins. Which shouldn’t be that bad because I really don’t do much cardio and I’ve only been to two 5km runs. This was a whole new experience for me, and this was a freakin skyway marathon. I thought the uphill parts would be easy… Lets just say I underestimated this a bit 😛 Anyway, instead of looking for man-candy after the run, which of course there would be, I was actually sad the whole time to actually even bother. Why?

You see, I met this guy. Of course, you knew it would be about a man. But no, he’s not your ordinary man. He is the man that I would like to be my boyfriend. He is NOT the one I mentioned in my previous blog entry, but someone else I met a week ago. He’s very good-looking, a little chubby yes, but handsome. A little soft-spoken, but I don’t care. It has actually come to the point that I wanted to take care of him… Weird huh? Like, I would like to have him in my arms and hug him and say everything’s gonna be alright. Sort of like that. Yes, we’ve had sex, and he enjoyed it.  We both agreed to just have a wholesome date, but he couldn’t fight the urge. He said it was his first time to have an orgasm, being fucked, without touching his dick. Only a few days ago, Friday, after chatting on the phone the night before, he’s chosen to ignore all my calls and texts. Can you say what the fuck?

So I met him before the race yesterday. At around 5AM he was there, accompanying his friend, and as Fate would like to have it, we bumped into each other. In my bewilderment, I didn’t even know what I said to him. All I remember was that he replied, “Let’s talk later”. I might have said, “How? You are not replying to my texts…”, but I don’t clearly recall. I remember him saying something like “…when I’m no longer preoccupied”. With what? I should’ve asked. I just let him walk back to his car since he said he was gonna jog around Bonifacio High Street.

What has actually happened here? We were fine and sweet days before and then he suddenly decides to shut me out? I actually asked him if it was ok for me to text or call him often. He said that no one is texting him anyway. If so, what is the matter? He just came out of a relationship 3 months ago that has, I think, greatly affected his life. Is he afraid of me coming into the picture? Or was he busy learning their family business? Has the pressure finally gotten to him? He’s just 25 after all. But I don’t mind one text. Just one text containing a piece of his mind, of what really is the matter. Because I feel like a plastic bag floating through the wind <- (Yay! Katy Perry – Firework). Seriously, I feel really bad about this that I wanna stop seeing people for the time being. He hurt me. I should at least know why I’m hurting.

So as I ran that 10km race, my thoughts were filled with what ifs. And my phone’s message alert tone actually inspired me to keep going and finish the race; that he might have finally texted me after seeing me. But nay, much to my dismay, it wasn’t him.

I was at BED Malate with a group of friends, who also had a group of friends, last Saturday night. It was actually the most fun I had in this bar EVARRR. And in all this intermingling, socializing and mild flirting, my crush was there, who I knew I’d like the moment I laid eyes on him. He’s as tall as me, big, fit, although he says he’s obese type-1 (lol), very exotic-looking and manly. HE IS MY TYPE. Need I say more.

As I am typing now I don’t even know what to say… I have a BIG crush on him. And as we danced and held hands and hugged for quite some time, we didn’t say so much of a word. Like what is up with that? Here is the scenario:

  • This is our first meeting
  • I have a group of friends. He has a group of friends.
  • My group of friends is trying to get to know his group of friends.
  • My friends introduced me to his group of friends before (he wasn’t there).
  • They introduced us.
  • We danced together shirtless for quite a long while, without saying a word…we just hugged and held hands.
  • One of his friends is saying that we look good together (lit. trans. “Bagay kayo”). He even was teasing us to kiss only my crush was preoccupied with someone else at that time dammit.
  • My friend said that he did not take that other guy’s number… (implications?)
  • He forgot my name! But he asked it for it when our groups parted ways.

Aaarggghhhhh…

I HAVE NEVER LIKED ANYONE LIKE THIS IN A LONG TIME. What is he thinking? What did he think about me? Does he even like me at all or know that I exist? What should I do? Wait it out? Do I add him on Facebook since two of his friends already added me? If I add him what will that mean?  Or do I wait to see him again next time since our groups are well, slowly converging?

Why didn’t we talk that much, was he analyzing this as much as I was analyzing it? Where we confused at what this meant? Us being in a group of friends trying to get to know each other… Do we socialize with the intent of say, being friends or something more? Was he thinking of this as well?

I’ve been so single so long that I am at a loss. My heart beats faster when I think about him, and that happens quite frequently now… Oh my God. Is this what I think this is?