The Beginning of the End

Posted: December 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

I have actually sworn not to blog anymore. In this blog at least. This may be my 2nd to the last or last blog entry. If I do blog at all, it will be on a different blog site or under a different name. Why? I will not even attempt to explain. Let’s just say that I am at a crossroads, at a point in my life where there is no turning back… Something in my life has happened… that is threatening to change the way I live my life, or what’s left of it,  forever. The kind of change is of the paradigm-altering, negative type, so I am actually surprised that I haven’t killed myself, and instead, have tried to live each day as normally as I can. The next few weeks will dictate how I will live my life, and presented with such a drastic change, I feel like I want to either hide myself in a cave and hibernate like a bear, go on a vacation, or ironically, just party. Unfortunately, I will have to go through this alone. As this overpowers any aspect of my life right now, all my life’s ‘trivialities’ have paled in comparison. Forgive me if my words seem somewhat incoherent, it just shows how rattled I am. On the outside, I may still look the same. Maybe I have mastered the art of hiding one’s emotions, a truly remarkable skill to have during these times.

Although I have been partying for almost every weekend since I came back from a 2-week stay abroad, things haven’t changed about my love life. Today, when I woke up, I almost wanted to scream at the world and declare that my heart is dead. I realized that all the guys I have an eye for, or maybe even have feelings for, are usually complicated sons of bitches. In the past 2 weeks my heart has beat 3 times: First to a guy that I now realize is an immature asshole. Second, to a cute guy that is focused on his studies and therefore has no time for love. And third, to someone I’ve had a crush on since I saw his account online, and now that I’ve met him in person, I don’t even know what to make of it. But my sixth sense is telling me that if I become his boyfriend, I will be loyal and head-over-heels in love, not that this fact is gonna bring me any closer to him though. This will again be the classic case of ‘guys I like but don’t like me’. Haha, this is so cliche in my life.

Given my situation, I should actually cease all attempts at a relationship. I’ve actually begun to think if I even deserve one. As much as I would like to commit to someone I love and care about, the universe seems averse to the idea. Which sucks. I was just wondering, why is it that now that I’ve tried to put myself out there, try to date people, that I’ve actually found it harder to get into a relationship? Three/Four years ago, I was actually content with meeting people for sex, and I found myself with a boyfriend. Oh how I would like to slap Irony in the face.

Anyway Silversplinter may cease to exist soon. I’ve always said that my life was never boring. And true enough, God may have given me the cross I asked him never to give me… to spice up my life, make it more colorful… It amazes me that He has always believed in my strength. That I, a mere human being, who makes mistakes (obviously) can get through this. Although nothing is final yet, I am preparing myself for the worst…  I will change yes, that much is certain. And it would take time to get used to this, but I promise, with all that I am that I will be strong. I will be the best person that I can be; I will be the very best friend you can always count on, I will be the most loving son, I will be the most eligible bachelor people cant get enough of. And to you, although I haven’t found you, I will be your man. I will love you like there is no tomorrow and no yesterday. All that I am, and will have become, I offer to you.

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Comments
  1. Orientgeeq says:

    More power to you then. d:)

  2. RJ says:

    I see myself in every word you put out here. Don’t succumb to your weariness. You are still very young. I found my first love when I was already 29 and I believe it was worth the wait. One thing you will regret doing, though, is shutting down this blog. This will remind you of how strong you will have become. Just keep on writing. It helps.

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