When Fits of Loneliness Strike Again

Posted: June 9, 2010 in Friends or Relationships but actually anything in between, Musings

It really doesn’t help when one of my closest bisexual friends, a guy who’s had several girlfriends, goodlooking, playful, and has had numerous adventures with the same sex, suddenly tells me that he has a boyfriend. I was like, how is this possible? He pushes people away once they start to get through his emotional defenses because he NEVER wanted to have a boyfriend. I would know, because I almost wanted to court him, but here we are. Someone got through and as he would describe it ‘Windang ang earth ko…’ LOL.

I mean 1 month in and they already have complicated issues. And I, the always dependable  loyal friend is there to the rescue. After all he has no one to share this with but me. But me being the ‘reader’ that I am saw a change in his heart. The ‘pilyo’ playboy has fallen in-love, and hard.

His boyfriend’s predicament, or their predicament rather, is that his bf met his ex from 4 years ago. Now a doctor based in Singapore, the ex wanted to rekindle their old relationship through blackmail… The guy’s dad is recovering from a bad stroke and needs medication ASAP. So the ex offered to provide this for him in exchange for them being back together. Only, my friend found out about it by inspecting his bf’s phone. A few days later, I have been summoned to aid, console and give advice. After all this is his first time and as he said, it is more painful and difficult than he imagined. But he still loves the guy despite his bf accepting the doctor’s (ex’s) offer because its as if his bf doesn’t have a choice. The guy is earning an unbelievable 10-15k pesos per month, breadwinner of the family with 5 siblings. I was like this is impossible. You cannot possibly live like this and now with his sick father, things became more difficult. But there’s a catch, his bf says that he has feelings for the doctor too… And this is what’s driving my friend crazy. The doctor is going back to Singapore today (he was just here for 2 weeks). But as things progressed from the weekend, it seems like my friend’s bf has finally decided to give up the doctor’s offer… and stick with my friend and sort things out together.

I am so happy for him because he is the last person I know I’d expect to get attached. At the same time, I’m sad for myself. Am I like the last single person on earth? Look at my friend. He’s deliberately prevented himself from getting into a relationship for years and now he’s suddenly attached? Why the fuck am I the only one left behind? I’ve even tried hanging out at places where I never knew I could just to put myself out in the ‘market’. Maybe this just goes to show that love finds you, not the other way around. Look at my friend, his bf courted him, was always there to pick him up after work, stayed with him at home, nursed him when he got sick…

Have I been reduced to someone who just gives advice, who’s just a loyal friend that anyone can run to?

An observer?

A teacher?

A Third Wheel?

A bodyguard to my friends’ bfs?

A used rag?

A sexual trophy?

Are these the only roles I have been cast to play?

Was I never meant to be had?

Come on. Where the hell are you? I have been waiting for you all this time. Are you already here?, because if you are you can just punch me, and I’ll hug you. I just wish that I meet you soon because if I can be the very best friend everyone can turn to, I can be the very best boyfriend too. It just that I haven’t found you and you haven’t found me. I feel like everyday is a wasted moment because I am not spending it with you. I really want to cry now, I really do. But the tears don’t want to fall down. Better distract myself with something else than wallow in self-pity. Or maybe I can cry later, when I’m literally alone.

Sorry just had to get this out of my chest.

  1. DM says:

    Before you lock yourself in the room, make sure you have a good list of break-up songs in your player. lol. I kid. :p

    I remember I had (or maybe still has) the same predicament years ago. Not that I’m too old already. There was a time during my gimik days when I was so desperate to have a relationship that I would organize group eye balls with my friends and one time, volunteered for a house party in somebody else’s house whom I just met online that evening. All for the glory of finding love. My working theory back then was in order to meet potential partners, I need to hang out beyond my usual activity space.

    In the house party, I even purposely invited one of my long-time textmates. I really liked the guy when I read his profile online and saw the pics. So he came. But the thing is he brought with him his latest bf and a very yummy friend. It broke my heart to pieces when I learned about it.

    Then later that evening, the rest of the guys were eyeing on the yummy friend who came along my textmate as if they are ready to strike the prey. Everyone went to sleep and then they tried kissing the yummy friend while asleep. And a simple kiss turned out to be a threesome or god-knows-how-many-are-they-in-the-room. The rest have their partners. And I was so devastated because I was alone.

    I also don’t like going to bars. Because in many incidents, some of my not-so-blessed-with-the-looks friends (I’m so mean lol) are the ones who get a hook up at the end of the party. Not that I want to get a hook-up too in bars but at least someone who is interested to know me. So I usually go home tired and depressed.

    I worked hard to recover my self-esteem for years. I did have a few suitors even back then but there was no spark. I had my first bf but it didn’t work out.

    Now I remain single. Still hoping. But I promised myself not to look or enter another relationship unless I become economic stable. Based on the norm (which I don’t subscribe to btw hahaha), should have achieved that status at my age. In my case, it’s called procrastination. lol

    Sorry for the blog-like comment. My point is, after everything I wrote, you are not alone. You have your friends, your family, your own company. And most of all, there are tons of single people out there like you that are facing that dilemma too. 🙂

  2. GM says:

    We’ve said it all
    A thousand times before
    Been to the wall
    And always found somewhere to turn
    There was always more to learn
    We’ve reached the end
    And almost closed the door
    And someone within
    I never can remember who
    All I know is that we’ve found
    The strength to make it through

    Love always finds a way
    When the clouds have no silver lining
    She comes thru shining
    Love always sees the light
    Through the darkest night
    In a small way
    Love always finds a way

    Holding you near
    After the storm has passed
    It becomes clear
    When all our tears have finally dried
    That no matter how we fools
    May try to turn the tide

    And in this moments when the magic seems to fade
    We must remember then that’s the time to keep on
    Believing and I’ll be a friend

    If we both trust
    In what we really feel
    The two of us
    Can hold tomorrow in our hands
    All it takes is just the faith to truly understand that…

    Love always finds a way
    When the clouds have no silver lining
    She comes thru shining
    Love always sees the light
    Through the darkest night
    In a small way
    Love always finds a way

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