Giving up on…

Posted: May 11, 2010 in Friends or Relationships but actually anything in between, Musings

I definitely need a new hobby.

This past weekend I met/hanged-out with 2 guys (separately) from the website. And its all good. The first guy was a law student, the latter is a marketing guy. I liked the latter better. But since I’ve always had the karma of people not liking me when I like them, I say good luck to me.

When asked, ‘Why are you still single?’ I answer by saying ‘No one has had the guts’. I mean yeah, I’ve had great dates with or without sex but after that it all stops there. When you think about it, maybe I too may have a fault in it. Maybe I did not show enough interest or shown indifference, or maybe let myself feel unreachable. But I have given this some effort, I’ve even met/dated guys and made it clear I’m open to the possibility of a relationship. By this time, the fire dies out and they go away. They probably become afraid or feel pressured and so they just choose not to. Sad isn’t it?

Sometimes I feel all alone. And it doesn’t help that most of the guys I meet only want sex from me, coz when they’re done, its bye-bye. How do you change that? Its a force outside yourself that you can’t control. So will I not have sex now? This is why I have learned the art of dating without expectations. But apparently after the date is over, and you both go home, I still can’t help but wish and hope that this is it. It definitely doesn’t help that I look sexy, not handsome, sexy. And people expect people with my appearance to fool around and get away with it. But not me goddammit. Why the stereotype?

I’d probably do anything to fall in love and be in a relationship again. That is why I’m putting myself out there; it even feels like I’m selling myself. But you gotta work hard for something you want right? You gotta soil your hands in dirt, kiss a few frogs to meet Prince Charming. But damn, how long has it been? I’m kinda thinking something’s wrong with me now, that the universe is not jiving with my heart’s desire…

I know I know how to love. It has happened before… madly deeply in love…. encompassing and ruthless, ever-consuming. It’s powerful enough to change you and the circumstances around you. And now that I’ve turned 26, I feel like I’m wasting away without no object of affection. I’m worried now that if Love knocked at the door, I wouldn’t even recognize it. I think I’m a catch. I know I am. Got the brains and the brawn. But unfortunately no one wants to put in some time, some effort. Just like swinging with no follow-through…

Or maybe I’m just that apple in the tree:

“Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they settle and get those from the ground –which are not as good as the ones on top, but easy to get. So the apples left on top think there is something wrong with them, when in fact, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to reach the top of the tree.”

– Unknown

Where the hell are you?

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Comments
  1. Orientgeeq says:

    It’s always romantic, the idea of finally meeting that someone special. I guess it’s tough for everyone, even for the good apples. Maybe even especially so for them. Everyone needs to put up with the rain so they can catch the rainbow.

  2. robert says:

    There are always two sides to consider. Maybe, PRIDE gets in the way of romance sometimes. II am pissed off with people who find it hard to be just plain honest about their feelings and they tend to sugarcoat. Sometimes too, dates in cases like ‘ours’, include elements of “who goes first”… the first one who submits, is the first one who loves the most…But i dare to disagree… I think the first one who ‘submits’, is he who is more secured about himself. A follow-through has to happen from both sides… PRIDE is so 1990s. 🙂 But if the ‘waiting period’ is part of the romance, then discredit PRIDE and credit PATIENCE.

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