Archive for May, 2010

Run for Nature. Run for Fitness.

Really felt like I achieved something when I finished that 5k marathon. I mean there’s really a sense of achievement, especially since this is my first marathon EVAR. Lol. Anyway, being used to conjuring worst-case scenarios, I thought that I’d be heaving when I reached 3k but guess what, I wasn’t really breathing heavily. I learned on the fly to control my breathing because when I didn’t, I started hyperventilating and that’s when you feel tired.  I was like 1-2-3-4 -exhale 1-2-3-4 -exhale. Something else bothered me though. My feet. I wasn’t wearing running shoes, I was sporting something more like walking/gimik shoes haha. Just when I saw the 4k sign, my feet were killing me. Jeez, if I’m gonna join a marathon again I better buy myself some freakin’ running shoes. So, 35:37. Average. But I was expecting myself to do worse 😛 Now where is that photo of me and Coach Rio… Better have that up on facebook!

Yeah lots of man-candy during the run. But didn’t get to flirt/get to know anyone haha. I saw this one guy who’s running in 10k that I met before in a bar. He’s buff but a little short. We met twice but when I told him I’d like to date him, he suddenly lost interest LOL. I still have one of his T-shirts that he lent me haha. He doesn’t want it back anyway coz its damaged :D. One guy approached me and I know I knew him but when I was drawing names from my memory banks, I was getting blanks… (ooh that rhymes :P) But we talked anyway about what race are you in etc. That lasted for 30 seconds. And for the rest of the ride home I was trying to remember who this person was and where I met him. I’m usually good with faces and places; where I met the person and what he looks like but I was scanning through memory, thinking of places where I may have met him but nothing.

So tired as I was, lying on the bed, I received this text message: “Musta takbo?”. That’s when it hit me. How can I forget? I’ve been to this guy’s place for like 4 (or 5)  times! He only had a red bandanna on and I couldn’t recognize him? Man, I’m getting old. He’s this short but gymfit, very masculine bottom guy that texts me every time he needs a good f*ck. Well our relationship hasn’t progressed away from this and by current standards, I could say he and I are occasional FuBus. Its been almost 2 years or so that we’ve known each other. And now that I think about it, this guy and I are sexually compatible. We get along pretty well. Why aren’t him and I together? What’s stopping me from starting a relationship with him? Or am I afraid to just scare him off as well? What is the universe trying to tell me here? What if I’m waiting for a strike of lightning only to realize he’s just been a light breeze, always blowing, faint, but always there? How would I freakin’ know? Damn. Gotta hate it when there are more questions than answers.

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Wish me well

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Dating in the City

It has been ages since I’ve met someone I really like. Last weekend, was one of those fortunate instances. He was nice, concerned, very manly, cute and ‘astig’. He was just a little smaller than me but it doesn’t matter. I LIKE HIM. I just wish that we really do get to know each other better. When he was driving me home, he squeezed my thigh and said, ‘Sana maulit to ah’, I replied by saying, “It’s up to you”. I blurted that out of nowhere because I knew right there and then that I already liked him. Not like as in in-love like. The kind of like that says you’d like to be with the person and get to know him better given the chance. And that I would meet him up in a heartbeat if he asked me to. So it was up to him if he’d like to see me again or throw me away like a used rag. Jaded as I am, I was really not expecting to hear from him again, but guess what, he’s replying to my texts! And when I called him earlier he answered immediately after like one ring. So that was something. I just felt like an ass because I forgot where he lived.

I was asking him out although this wasn’t your usual ask-a-person-out-for-a-date thing. I, well, asked him if we could go to church together. When we met, he mentioned going to church after he wakes up. So, this week, since I really wanted to go to church anyway, and thank God for the blessings he’s given me (more on this on a different blog entry), I remembered him, and thought hey, why don’t he and I go to church together? Only, they’ve got a team building this weekend so yeah. He offered next week though and he said we keep in touch. So I’m still doing good I guess. I’m just bummed that he doesn’t text me on his own yet. He’s just replying. But gotta be happy for the small things, right? Baby steps, baby steps.

One-Way

Posted: May 24, 2010 in Dating in the City

Do you know what one-way means? In the context of meeting up people you haven’t met yet, yes the infamous eyeball (EB), it means that one person checks out the person he is supposed to meet without the other person knowing. Say you are supposed to meet in a club by the bar. One person can say he’s sitting by the bar when in fact he’s by the stage. And since the guy at the stage knows what to look for in the other guy, say his article of clothing, physical features etc., he may decide not to meet the person if he does not like what he sees.

Last friday night I decided to meet this 21-year old guy. Although no pictures were exchanged, I had a good feeling about him. But I got “one-wayed”. I knew it was him because he passed by twice and I know what he’s wearing. I just find it funny that he was still texting me while he was avoiding me. Like if I saw him and what am I going to do now. Well I left. I’m not gonna stay there. Besides, he’s not that good-looking. I can probably find someone better any day, but not online though haha. But really if it was 5 years ago, this would have scarred me. Now, I can just brush it off like dirt on my jacket. Besides, I had a back-up plan. I met someone after that, who turned out to be a slightly effeminate but really good-looking bottom hunk. Something happened yeah but I’m not gonna write the details… or maybe next time 😛

I was just wondering whether or not karma activates that fast. I mean earlier in the day one guy who’s not from manila texted me to meet me. I was really irritated by the fact that he insisted I go down to see him at Isettan while I was having dinner in Gateway Foodcourt. When I met him, I had no expectations but really I knew that we are not going to get along. Sometimes you gotta follow your instinct and since he started to get on my nerves earlier, I said I’m gonna have to go (after 10 minutes).

So this may be karmic punishment. But I was civil, I didn’t look mad at all. I make it a point to “make kwento’ and entertain the other guy even if I don’t like him. The same happened when I met my 3-day suitor. He’s been calling me for days. And texting me sweet-nothings without even seeing me in person… BTDT. Been There Done That. I say, never fall in love with a guy you haven’t met because he’s texting me “I love you’s” and “Miss you’s” already. Experience is the greatest teacher. So my reaction to this is we should meet first before anything. Turns out, he’s not my type. Bummer that he likes me. I hate it when this happens. Well if I was pathetically desperate for a relationship I would be committed right now because he really likes me after we met. Its also hard to turn someone down, because it pains me too, and we’ve experienced what its like on the other end, one way or another.

So really I behaved like a whore this last weekend I met like 6 guys. Only did it with two of them. I am overdoing it. Maybe I’m searching for the one in the wrong places. After all, I haven’t found him yet and this hasn’t been working out. Although yeah most of these were just dates and casual meet-ups but I guess I am exhausting myself emotionally. Of course there is some part of me hoping that maybe this is it, only to get disappointed and realize I haven’t gotten anywhere.

So there’s this guy I met in a bathhouse a long time ago (yes, I’ve been to one). He’s actually my type or maybe someone I’d like to get to know. He’s about my age, works in the same industry, shorter by two inches, cute and manly. Nothing happened when we met, we just talked for like an hour. We exchanged numbers after that and I thought that maybe we can go out for a date. But it seemed like he didn’t want to because if he wasn’t replying, he’d text he was busy. So bummer.

Recently, by some act of fate we ‘rediscovered’ each other through romeo. And he said he lost his phone and is using a new number. I teased by saying, “You don’t even reply when I text you, so why should I bother getting your number?” But we exchanged anyway.

Fast forward today. He asked me if I met this particular guy from the site. I said no. He said that this guy hasn’t been texting since their first meeting. By this time, I knew where this exchange would go. So I said what’s the problem. He said that they had a date and it looked everything was alright and after that he’s unreachable. He said that he was falling (or has fallen) for this guy and that this guy looked like his ex, and he’s feeling insecure about his appearance, and that this guy wasn’t THAT goodlooking anyway blah blah blah ad infinitum. Well haven’t I mentioned this before in a previous blog entry? People, specifically gay men have a bad habit of disappearing unannounced. And he felt really bad about this. I really didn’t know what to say. I told him what first entered my mind, “Toughen up. Fall in love first and you lose”. Very pessimistic I admit, but it helps to limit the exchange to a halt. Because really, what can a man do? There are a bazillion reasons why someone would not answer your text messages and calls. I even had the pleasure of using himself as an example; I said, “When you weren’t replying to me, what was your reason?” To this, his reply was a “Busy, hehehe. Onga no.”  Busy? Bullshit.

That should have hit home.

Stepping Up

Posted: May 17, 2010 in Career-Related

So, my last remaining teammate is gonna resign. In fact, I even know where he is transferring. Don’t ask me why I know, I have sources. Suffice to say, I am expecting it, so no fuss. I wish though he has done this sooner. My reaction to this is a mixture of relief and disgust; relief, because finally I won’t get to see his stressed face, sluggish gait and deal with his incompetence, disgust because my sources tell me he secured a Senior position in the company he’s transferring. OMG. Let me do that again. OMG! He clearly doesn’t deserve it. Like what is he gonna do there? sleep through meetings, let others finish his tasks, not talk to his team (unless he’s in a one-man team…) and he doesn’t even have leadership potential. His methodologies are usually more complex than they need to be. Well I say good luck to my teammate’s future teammates there. May the force be with them. LOL.

As for me, I did make that email, which was lengthy, might I add which immediately warranted a conversation with my Manager when he read it.  He even texted me and asked where I was because I wasn’t on my desk. We talked and I explained my part of the story and what I’m feeling with all these resignations and all. Of course, the salary issue was discussed but not in detail as I had liked, since he said even he wants a bigger better salary. I just hope he takes my request seriously because I specifically am asking for a 30% increase in my salary… But one thing good came out of that talk though. I am now being considered for the position of Team Lead and Senior Software Engineer which is great. So my lengthy email may not be so bad after all 🙂

Three other people are now being planned to be transferred to our team and me being the last remaining survivor, I will serve as lead, mentor and supervisor. Not bad for someone who’s had experience such as myself. Responsibility is somewhat welcome. I just don’t want my new responsibilities to be a deterrent to my social life. Wait, what social life?

Besides getting addicted to Jay Sean’s song War, yesterday was kind of interesting. But before I get there, you, my reader, should check this out:

It is a remixed version of War with nice beats and I feel its better than the original 🙂 Do check out the lyrics! I’ve played this song over 20 times now and counting…

So, yesterday I met this guy on the MRT. Which I immediately knew was on to me coz he was stealing glances and was inching towards me from when he entered the train. Truth be told, I have met a lot of guys this way, so this is definitely not new to me. So since I found him cute, I told him I had to go and gave him a pat on the back before I went down Ayala Station. It probably took him 5 seconds to decide to go down the train coz he was pacing a bit. So yeah he did go down too. Long story short, we exchanged numbers. He texted me in the afternoon and we chatted on YM. I didn’t get my hopes up because I saw his cellphone wallpaper when he asked for my number; it was him with another guy. So he was asking me the usual: what I do, where I stay and occasionally telling me how hot I was and how his heart was pounding everytime he glanced at me on the train. I, of course said thanks. So he asked if I was single, I said yes, and I threw the question back. Of course I was right, he wasn’t single. He clearly wanted to have sex with me and I said that I try to avoid doing it with people with partners. I said we can just be friends. He said their relationship was open. But I had another reason, besides karma…

He really wanted to see me. And me being the naive, fool that I am decided to meet him at his place for dinner. So yeah, something happened. And after that he saw the sadness in my eyes. He said he was sorry for bringing me to ‘his world’, but I said I’m ok and I’m used to it. It was his fault as well as mine. But really, it still hurts a bit. You see, being with people with partners (read: committed) reminds me of my own loneliness, of my inability to find a loving relationship. For some egotistic maniacs out there, this act would feed them, fill them with vigor, since I can bring a committed guy to his knees (quite literally :P) but for me it just does the opposite. Because deep down inside I still envy them for what they have.

He’s nice and sweet and cute. And I’d consider dating him if he were single. Plus he’s got a 5 o’clock shadow going on which is plusplus points in my book. I noticed that people who are or who have been in long relationships generally are better hosts and are nicer. Not to say that single guys are generally assholes, oh wait does this include me, oh what the hell. But he said that I am a great guy and he’d like to be my friend and he would also say sorry to me from time to time.

So what do we make of this? He says he’d like us to chat again today after lunch because he has a meeting outside of the office in the morning. He also asked me if we could watch a movie soon. Well, sure if you’d really like to be friends with someone then time and effort is required right? But I am gonna give this a chance because I really dont have that much close friends. My only qualm about this is I have got to be clear about what I want, which is to make a friend out of him. I have to stop myself from going beyond friendship’s boundaries. I have to stop myself from falling in love with him. Like the time when I kissed him, I was holding back. When we were doing it, I was holding back. I was preventing myself from giving him a reason to like me so much. I don’t want to be the reason why they would split up. But really, nothing feels more pathetic than falling in love with someone you cannot have right? Because it has happened before and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

I definitely need a new hobby.

This past weekend I met/hanged-out with 2 guys (separately) from the website. And its all good. The first guy was a law student, the latter is a marketing guy. I liked the latter better. But since I’ve always had the karma of people not liking me when I like them, I say good luck to me.

When asked, ‘Why are you still single?’ I answer by saying ‘No one has had the guts’. I mean yeah, I’ve had great dates with or without sex but after that it all stops there. When you think about it, maybe I too may have a fault in it. Maybe I did not show enough interest or shown indifference, or maybe let myself feel unreachable. But I have given this some effort, I’ve even met/dated guys and made it clear I’m open to the possibility of a relationship. By this time, the fire dies out and they go away. They probably become afraid or feel pressured and so they just choose not to. Sad isn’t it?

Sometimes I feel all alone. And it doesn’t help that most of the guys I meet only want sex from me, coz when they’re done, its bye-bye. How do you change that? Its a force outside yourself that you can’t control. So will I not have sex now? This is why I have learned the art of dating without expectations. But apparently after the date is over, and you both go home, I still can’t help but wish and hope that this is it. It definitely doesn’t help that I look sexy, not handsome, sexy. And people expect people with my appearance to fool around and get away with it. But not me goddammit. Why the stereotype?

I’d probably do anything to fall in love and be in a relationship again. That is why I’m putting myself out there; it even feels like I’m selling myself. But you gotta work hard for something you want right? You gotta soil your hands in dirt, kiss a few frogs to meet Prince Charming. But damn, how long has it been? I’m kinda thinking something’s wrong with me now, that the universe is not jiving with my heart’s desire…

I know I know how to love. It has happened before… madly deeply in love…. encompassing and ruthless, ever-consuming. It’s powerful enough to change you and the circumstances around you. And now that I’ve turned 26, I feel like I’m wasting away without no object of affection. I’m worried now that if Love knocked at the door, I wouldn’t even recognize it. I think I’m a catch. I know I am. Got the brains and the brawn. But unfortunately no one wants to put in some time, some effort. Just like swinging with no follow-through…

Or maybe I’m just that apple in the tree:

“Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they settle and get those from the ground –which are not as good as the ones on top, but easy to get. So the apples left on top think there is something wrong with them, when in fact, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to reach the top of the tree.”

– Unknown

Where the hell are you?