I have noticed, although this is in by no means a conscious effort, that I have found myself, with lots of prospective bfs. Maybe it is because of my iPhone that I am now connected anywhere I go, that I can go online on romeo or grindr at whim. But yeah. I’ve found quite a few good guys this way and I’m happy about it. The other day I was in the arms of a man who was single by choice. And while hugging me, mentioned how he likes hugging me and made a joke of making me ‘his’. He also offered that I come back to his place, which I considered, given that he’d text me.

Interesting development when sometimes I’d feel that I am undesireable; someone shows up and demonstrates otherwise. But then again, usually there’s the follow-through principle to consider. There’s this guy that I met from grindr. Good-looking moreno mestizo, very hairy. And he’s the type I can talk everything about. Sometimes we talk and meet or eat. One time I invited him to workout at a local gym near where I live. He’s very smart. And together we talk about people, and how appearances can be deceiving, and our past relationships, even past mistakes. But in all this there hasn’t been one physical thing that has happened between us. Although through texts, we may joke around a bit. But one actually became real, well almost: I was out of town and replied that I would give him a ‘kabibe’ as a pasalubong since he was asking for one. And of course the silly joke of wearing just the kabibe became a staple joky retort. But then I said, “Pwede ba kiss na lang? ;)”. To which he replied, “Sige kiss ko ha.”  And I believe he has been looking forward to it. It hasn’t materialized yet but I’m wondering what will happen to what we have if  it did.

Speaking of follow-throughs, people usually give their best foot forward at the start, but to actually follow-up, and be consistent with texts, or taking some time to have lunch or dinner is a lost art. Enter, the boy.

My is he consistent. 5 years younger than me. We haven’t met yet, but he texts me oh so often. When he wakes up, lunch, dinner, when I’m on my way home from work, which he has taken note of. Oh the sincerity and naivete of the young. I’m not saying I find this bad but rather refreshing. Consistency in purpose somewhat disappears in the modern gay man as he ages. The boy has actually apologized for being ‘makulit’ – that I may have found his texting annoying. And then goes on later and says that he hopes I know its because he likes me and he’s finding a way to be ‘closer’. Cute honesty :). But I have a lot of common things with this kid, having a foreigner dad for instance who he didn’t grow up with. Maybe that’s why I kinda have a soft spot for him 🙂

There are more that I would mention. But most would fall under the prospect of sex rather than something lasting. Although, God knows I would prefer the latter. So enough blogging and  back to my life!

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New Year, New <insert here>

Posted: February 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

I sometimes wonder when the search will end. Or when it will begin, or has it begun?

Hello 2012! LOL. Hopefully the world doesn’t end as the Mayans predicted the ‘Day of Rebirth’. But if it does happen, this could just be a routine phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. Like a PC that needs a reformat when its hopelessly cluttered with unmanageable files, viruses and what-not, maybe that’s what this world needs, a new start; only, we will need to be wiped out. Too bad we’re just here to witness it all.

There’s been a lot of changes in my life and I may not be able to write all of them down (now). Well one obvious one is that I have a new job. In my last entry, I was still with my other company who in July 2011, decided to let me go, due to redundancies. This company was acquired by another company which prompted for changes in Management and structure. So I went jobless for a while and took me quite some time to apply too. I was somewhat troubled that time as well.. With the increasing demands in job skills as I’ve also gotten older, I’d constantly need to be in tip-top shape, especially in the IT world. I actually failed lots of interviews, most of them I was unprepared: I just went in without no plan and preparation at all. I didn’t expect things to be so tough now. But all of that’s over 🙂 Thank God I have a new job now. Took me 2-3 months to get here. I gotta thank my previous company for parting me with 6 months’ worth of my monthly salary, which, although diminished, I’ve got tucked safely around somewhere.

I’m also going to a different gym now (one of the two biggest gyms in the metro). My body has undergone quite a minor change although some people are taking notice… I may look a little bulkier now. Possibly because of the range of equipment that I am now capable of using. It really is nice to go to a big gym for a change. Though with that comes a lot of people. And the temptation. LOL. We all know that more than half of the guys going to the gym aren’t straight right? Oh you didn’t know? Where have you been? Kidding. But really, I’ve been getting these sticky stares at the gym from people I don’t like 😦 Why is it that the people I like are indifferent to me? Or play hard to get. Sigh. At this point, it should be clear that I am still single for heaven’s sake. And of course, I’ve had some ‘fun’ with quite a few, very few, as I would like to limit my involvement with them since gay men are talkative, and filipinos love tsismis. LOL. But I have a few crushes. One of which added me on Google+ last December, which I think he does not remember. You see? Coz that’s the thing. I look different than my pictures, better in fact.

Some people think that I am this unapproachable, good-looking guy stereotype. Which I beg to differ because I am not good-looking. But some people categorize me into that niche which makes it very difficult to socialize or make moves… That I’ve actually lost all confidence in approaching guys that I like, and now content at taking stolen glances. I’ve actually become ‘torpe’ or just tired of this. Its all got to do with psychology and the way people play other people. The concept of power in social interactions. See, if I, being seen as this high strung, unapproachable GL guy, suddenly starts to initiate a conversation, the power will shift from me to this person, simply because I am the one reaching out. This person can then play it out or drag it out for as long as he wants or until I lose interest. Right now, people would of course, if not desperately, cling to some leverage. They want to be in control. Seldom will you see a person who will meet you on equal ground, who will actually take the effort to level the playing field and let things play out naturally. I must admit I was actually hoping to meet someone nice at the gym. Wishful thinking. But I’ve only been to one branch and just 3 months, who knows?

Also I lost my phone of 5 years 2 weeks before Christmas, so I have no idea who actually remembered to greet me… It was an old Nokia phone with no back-ups… so all of my contacts are now lost in time LOL. God takes away what needs replacing right? And with that comes my iPhone 4s. Took me 3 weeks to get  though. I got it through a plan, but I considered buying one (not via plan) but thought it would be better to have some spare cash when something important comes up. And Grindr! Hahaha. THE iPhone app for us. Though nothing really is new. But what’s more funny is that people you sometimes chat with, you actually see walking by, or at the gym. Kudos to the team that made this. But again, if I am to be judged by my photos, whose subject is not able to pose properly and not photogenic altogether, the battle is lost. LOL. But who knows right? But I’ve met a few who were pleasantly surprised when they met me though 🙂 Really can’t have everything.

Dragon year! My Chinese Zodiac sign is supposed to be a little lucky this year… Maybe love would come my way via the gym, via grindr or my new job? Exciting! But with age comes getting jaded… hurry up and find me before I get lost in myself.

I’ve been waiting.

Summer Starts!

Posted: April 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yeah!

Yesterday I just came from a team outing at Club Manila East. It was really fun, letting those 7-foot artificial waves to splash you around. Now imagine a 20-foot tsunami…

Anyway, I will be in the famous beaches of Boracay on the Holy Week, along with my friends and their other social circle from Fitness First. Although I hope this adventure becomes promising (the prospected cliff-diving endeavor comes to mind…), I’m just gonna let all these stuff flow. This is my 3rd summer in Boracay and I’m not sure if I’m gonna enjoy it as much because 1. the place will feel very familiar and 2. I don’t know them(the other FF social circle) that well, although I am now a member of the group on Facebook… Apparently there IS an official group on Facebook. I haven’t been participating much in this groups gatherings that much. And I haven’t planned my wardrobe! Haha. I may need to have a mini-fashion show this coming weekend to mix and match my clothes, so that I can still buy when necessary.

My birthday is coming up! After Holy Week comes my birthday, that fateful day when all of this madness began. LOL. Some of my friends want me to celebrate it out of town, and it looks like its gonna be in Galera, the island of sin. Honestly, I haven’t been there during the height of summer, so I wouldn’t know what the place is like. Maybe it’s time I found out for myself. After all I’m still single. And since one of the guys I watched an Indie movie with (who seems like a prospect) last last weekend seems like he’s dating someone seriously… **What the hell is fucking new?** Haha. But we are texting… Although it was our first time to meet (we just got introduced), there was something, definitely a spark. Curiosity, sexual tension, or that genuine promise of a relationship from initial attraction…whatever it was, he and I both felt it. Im actually planning on inviting him to come to my birthday celebration, hope he could come. I am getting older! Damnation!

So summer is looking bright, and should be fun fun fun. After April, its gonna be serious mode, as I have gotten older, I need to re-assess my life, with particular focus on my career. I will need to step it up a little, because I may be lagging behind on my goal of earning 6 digits before I reach 30. Oh and I am actually exploring freelance options as well. Although this seems intimidating at first because this is via the web, and it definitely feels different trying to look for quick jobs with small payment. But you gotta start somewhere right? Again, baby steps. Let’s see where this will take me.

Random Thoughts (attempt 1)

Posted: March 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

I know that when you write about something, you must have some sort of a theme or topic or point to make right? Well right now, I must say I don’t have one. Its just that I have a lot of things in mind recently that maybe by writing, by seeing/reading these thoughts in front of me, I can figure out the emptiness or lack of enthusiasm(?) I’ve been feeling recently.

Yesterday, on a bus ride home I was next to a real hunky guy. He’s my type and as our forearms were touching as we stood inside the bus, he didn’t move his arm. I was able to read the text message he was sending his friend, asking where HP in Taguig was. I knew the answer and wanted to just say it out loud, but I’d have to apologize for reading his phone first. Anyways, as we got off the bus, we glanced at each other and almost walked side by side then he sped up and left LOL. Now I wonder, what if I did try and talk to him? I guess we’ll never know.

I am not doing a lot of work lately. Not because I deliberately am not working but there isn’t much to do. We get our direction from our Managers abroad and as of the moment, they haven’t assigned us to do anything. Although the roadmap says we should be doing something but we’re idle. I am the type of person who’d rather be busy in the office. I’d rather not go to work if I’m not doing anything. Also I am planning to leave this company. That will be another chapter in my life. Middle of this year I will try to look for a new job, a new start. I am just waiting for the monetary bribe my company is supposed to give me come  June. LOL. Good thing, I bumped into an old officemate of mine a few weeks ago and he said that if I wanted to apply, I can give him my resume and if I get in, we’ll split the referrer bonus he’d get 🙂 Besides being good-looking, he’s sweet and always been nice to me. Only he’s married now but he hasn’t changed… in fact he’s inviting me to go Dragonboat Rowing with him. But I also have a lot of extra-curricular activities, I’m not sure if I can fit that in yet, we’ll see.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not living up to my real potential, that is also why I’d like another company to be in. Only I cannot resign immediately as some people are accustomed to doing. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. Being the breadwinner of my family, I have to plan everything out, move cautiously, especially since I support 80% of our finances. The decisions that I make must be calculated and to the letter. Risks are risky, therefore they must be calculated as well. And a resignation is just that, a calculated risk. I see some of my friends who are (now that I think of it 3-4+ years older than me) going out of town/country often. I can’t do that, at least not with my current salary. Ever since I graduated from college I had to worry about my family’s finances. Sometimes I feel like my family is dragging me down. That if only my parents fixed their lives, had some sort of financial investment (my Mom doesn’t even have a bank account now), I’d be much freer in my actions, more spontaneous. I’d have more spending power. A more exciting life? Maybe. I may have saved a lot of money now instead of paying for our monthly apartment rent or utility bills or groceries. I’m not complaining because this is the cross I was tasked to carry but some days, it really feels like a burden. Every move I make I must consider that my family is there behind me. And its as if you can sever the ties that bind. So yeah, I’d like a better salary, which shouldn’t be too much to ask right? I just feel so tired sometimes, sad that I am in a situation that I cannot change. In a card game, you cannot ask the dealer to give you a new set of cards just because you don’t like the one you got right?

I have a new hobby. Poi. If you don’t know what it is, google it. Now am I in a bitchy mood. Kidding. Anyway, I must say am enjoying my classes and have been attending for at least 2 months now. Most people know it as fire dancing but really fire dancing is just one expression of poi. You are just changing the ‘ball in a string’ to a ‘fiery ball in a string’. I intend to be good at this because, in my mental note of things to do before I die, I wanna be able to break dance or fire dance. Well break dance… not doable. I should’ve started training for it young. So here I am with poi and loving it. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get famous and be a performer? But as with my other passion, which is fighting games, I experiment with the movement, what I can do and cannot do, what combos are possible, which to use with the better effect, on which situation etc. I find that this is almost like that too: which move connects to what move, what can you do to transition into or out of something, how do you combine what you learned with this new one, and so on. Its really opening up my brain and reflexes/coordination. You’d think that it looks easy at first but when you’re trying to do it, you’re like shiiiiiittttt…how the…? I want to get good at this!

End of Random Thoughts.

Sometimes in our moments of weakness, we cling to people we normally won’t.

Recently, I have had the strange pleasure of meeting up two guys (on different occasions), who at the time of  our first meeting, were attached. Now that they have broken up and severed ties with their ex-significant other, they now text me and ask to see me, hmmm.

Exhibit A: The guy from a previous blog entry. In an open relationship. Cute although chubby, hairy. Very sensitive to people’s feelings, although very straight-forward. When I met him again, we had coffee as he recounted the events that have transpired, or the jist of it, leading to their separation. I was sad for him, because they’ve been together for 7 years. They own property together and may have other significant ‘conjugal’ investments. He has always shown his liking for me; through texts, on facebook, on YM. And even in person, he would say ‘you know how much I like you right?’ But I don’t know. I do not want to jump into conclusions. Although I have mentioned before that I could date him if he were single, I may have changed my mind. I’m not sure of the reason though, but anyway I’m sure he’s not likely to get attached just yet. I gave him the advice we all usually tell people from break-ups: “Enjoy being single!” And being gay, we all know how fun being single can be 😛

Exhibit B: Like Exhibit A, we met during a tough time in their relationship. He flirted with me and was probably mad and testing the waters. We talked for more than an hour or so. I did have a crush on him, but when we parted ways and he didn’t reply when I texted, I knew better. He didn’t need me in his life, especially during a rough patch in a relationship, right? It’ll just make matters worse so I deleted his number. Three years later, he texts me. And reintroduces himself when I asked who it was and luckily, I remembered. He picked me up and well, was more aggressive than Exhibit A when it came to the meet-up’s purpose. Let’s just say we drove-in to a motel and did what we could not do 3 years ago. He however was I think 36 years old, 10 years older than me. He’s still cute, but has gained weight. And like Exhibit A, I think, I do not like him as much anymore.

So what do I make of this? Am I potential boyfriend material after all? Or do I just represent the prospect of hot sex that they haven’t had the opportunity of having?

There is a reason why we have our social circles. They exist because we gain something out of them: be it a feeling of belonging, of trust, of escape, of refuge. In this gay world, I basically have two; one with a friend that I’ve had for six years and the other with a friend that I have known for almost 2 years. Both groups are quite nice, in fact on the outside they may look identical, with the fact being that they consist of a friend and his partner. For the life of me, I do not know why this is so. Which is why I sometimes feel like I am destined  bodyguard to my friends’ partners. My first social circle, consists of J, and his partner plus a few. More vocal and more out. Goes to Fitness First and likes partying. My second is R and his partner plus a few. A little more reserved group, more masculine. Likes the outdoors, parties with reservation, drunkards when let loose, although more mature.

However there seems to be something amiss with the events that have transpired in the past few months. J, confided in me one day that he too wanted to have a new set of friends that he can go out with, enjoy etc., knowing that I maintain a different set of friends, specifically with R. Starting this year, J has begun to ‘get to know’ this group of people from Fitness First and has since then, been out with them for almost anything. The gym, which is a given, movies, an out of town trip, partying at BED Malate which is almost every week now… As J’s friend for almost 6 years, this behavior seems strange to me. And the fact that he ‘shouts out’ on Facebook like 3 or more times a day, only to let his new-found friends comment and comment like crazy I find absurd. I know these group of friends he’s trying to befriend. In fact they’re a good bunch. Only they aren’t in my age group, well J’s and R’s isn’t either, give or take 3-5 years. Anyway, they come from the University where I graduated in, and are very smart people. Based on intelligence and wavelength I definitely believe that I fit better in that group LOL. But there is something wrong here.

J had a rough patch with his partner last December which, also was the time he told me about having new friends. I feel, that he, misses being single and may want to find an outlet since he may not actually want to leave his partner. Coupled now with the fact that he has resigned from his job and is on ‘vacation’ for 3 months. I officially, declare him to be under a PHASE. Exploration. Reinvention. Not to mention he is turning 30 this year. So many factors involved which is why I find him acting a little different.

I was at BED this Saturday and J’s group was there along with the FF guys. I was with R’s. Although I sometimes like the spontaneity, in J’s group, I preferred to be in R’s. There are some people in the FF group that I do not really like that much.. of note would be someone who’d always like to be the center of conversation/attention. I hate stroking someone else’s ego. And it agonizes me to see someone doing it. Also with this bunch comes my crush from a previous entry, This Feeling. Him and I, although we have talked on a different occasion, found it still awkward to converse. Maybe we really don’t want to cross the line of comfort. But as the days had revealed, he may actually be attached. I’ve overheard him say that he is ‘allowed to play’, no emotions. Yet again another disappointment. This has happened a thousand times I’m already used to it.

So, J tells me they are going to BKK. I asked if they already have the tickets and he answers they have not? But already he has mentioned CebuPac’s promo which is limited right? So I said I can come because before, we had already planned to go there for summer (instead of Boracay again this year). Sans Facebook and I see that J is going with his new found friends. I should’ve read between the lines. He was telling me that THEY are going. I was not invited LOL. Which is perfectly fine with me. I could definitely put my money to better use. But as his friend, I think he is going too fast, doing so much in a short amount of time with these people, and for the sake of? Acceptance? No. Or as a welcome diversion to more pressing issues? Really, we use people for different purposes only to find it has never been them that we needed, it was we that needed fixing.

Condura Run 2011 etc.

Posted: February 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yeah!

First 10km race. And I finished real slow! Haha. Around 1hr 15mins. Which shouldn’t be that bad because I really don’t do much cardio and I’ve only been to two 5km runs. This was a whole new experience for me, and this was a freakin skyway marathon. I thought the uphill parts would be easy… Lets just say I underestimated this a bit 😛 Anyway, instead of looking for man-candy after the run, which of course there would be, I was actually sad the whole time to actually even bother. Why?

You see, I met this guy. Of course, you knew it would be about a man. But no, he’s not your ordinary man. He is the man that I would like to be my boyfriend. He is NOT the one I mentioned in my previous blog entry, but someone else I met a week ago. He’s very good-looking, a little chubby yes, but handsome. A little soft-spoken, but I don’t care. It has actually come to the point that I wanted to take care of him… Weird huh? Like, I would like to have him in my arms and hug him and say everything’s gonna be alright. Sort of like that. Yes, we’ve had sex, and he enjoyed it.  We both agreed to just have a wholesome date, but he couldn’t fight the urge. He said it was his first time to have an orgasm, being fucked, without touching his dick. Only a few days ago, Friday, after chatting on the phone the night before, he’s chosen to ignore all my calls and texts. Can you say what the fuck?

So I met him before the race yesterday. At around 5AM he was there, accompanying his friend, and as Fate would like to have it, we bumped into each other. In my bewilderment, I didn’t even know what I said to him. All I remember was that he replied, “Let’s talk later”. I might have said, “How? You are not replying to my texts…”, but I don’t clearly recall. I remember him saying something like “…when I’m no longer preoccupied”. With what? I should’ve asked. I just let him walk back to his car since he said he was gonna jog around Bonifacio High Street.

What has actually happened here? We were fine and sweet days before and then he suddenly decides to shut me out? I actually asked him if it was ok for me to text or call him often. He said that no one is texting him anyway. If so, what is the matter? He just came out of a relationship 3 months ago that has, I think, greatly affected his life. Is he afraid of me coming into the picture? Or was he busy learning their family business? Has the pressure finally gotten to him? He’s just 25 after all. But I don’t mind one text. Just one text containing a piece of his mind, of what really is the matter. Because I feel like a plastic bag floating through the wind <- (Yay! Katy Perry – Firework). Seriously, I feel really bad about this that I wanna stop seeing people for the time being. He hurt me. I should at least know why I’m hurting.

So as I ran that 10km race, my thoughts were filled with what ifs. And my phone’s message alert tone actually inspired me to keep going and finish the race; that he might have finally texted me after seeing me. But nay, much to my dismay, it wasn’t him.